A Year of Unrequited Feelings

I stared at the wall of my house, my mind wandering back to the events that had transpired over the past year. It all started when I joined Faze, a YouTube content organization that consisted of a group of friends who shared a passion for gaming and creating entertaining content for our audience. I was excited to be a part of the team, and I quickly bonded with the other members: Jason, Ron, Silky, Lacy, Max, and occasionally Rage, who would visit from Miami. As I reflected on my time with Faze, I couldn't help but think about Jason. He was 21, a few years younger than me, and had a presence that drew people in. His short, fluffy bleach-dyed hair and brown eyes made him stand out, and his charming personality made him a fan favorite. I remembered the first time we met; he was bubbly, energetic, and always making jokes. I was immediately drawn to his warmth and kindness. It wasn't until our trip to Japan, however, that I started to develop feelings for Jason that went beyond friendship. We were supposed to share a room with Silky, but Rage joined us at the last minute, and the sleeping arrangements changed. Jason and I ended up sharing a small hotel room with a single bed and a couch. I was a bit hesitant at first, but Jason seemed completely fine with the arrangement, and I didn't want to be rude, so I agreed. As we settled in for the night, Jason snuggled into the bed, and I followed suit. I fell asleep quickly, but I woke up before our alarms went off. As I turned to see if Jason was awake, I caught a glimpse of him in a peaceful slumber. His face was relaxed, and his soft breathing was the only sound I could hear. In that moment, I felt a pang in my chest, but I couldn't quite put my finger on what it was. At the time, I brushed it off as admiration for my friend's carefree nature. But as the months went by, my feelings for Jason grew stronger. When we did a group long subathon, streaming 24 hours a day for 30 days, I found myself looking for excuses to be around him. But it wasn't until we started using the pool that I realized the extent of my emotions. Jason's body was on display, and I couldn't help but stare. I felt like I was being pervy, so I quickly excused myself and went back inside to stream. As the months passed, my feelings for Jason only intensified. I started to feel the urge to touch him, to be close to him. I knew it was wrong, but I couldn't help how I felt. I started to distance myself from the group, eventually moving out of the Faze house and into my own place. I thought that some space would help me repress these urges, but it only seemed to make things worse. It wasn't until I had known Jason for a year that I finally understood what I was feeling. It was love, pure and simple. But it was also lust, and I was ashamed to admit it to myself. I was a straight man, or at least, that's what I thought. But here I was, with feelings for a man that I couldn't ignore. As I sat in my house, alone with my thoughts, I couldn't help but wonder what the future held. Could I keep these feelings hidden, or would they eventually consume me? And what would happen if Jason found out? I knew one thing for sure: I had to be careful, for both our sakes. But as I sat there, lost in thought, I couldn't shake the feeling that I was in over my head.